This year-- the year I left my twenties behind and entered into a new decade -- has been INCREDIBLY hard on me. To me if felt like 29 was just trying to prove a point that my early twenties were dope compared to this endless cycle of career pitfalls, self-doubt, mild depression, loneliness and yes there were some truly amazing moments in between. However, it had begun to feel like the bad was outweighing the good tenfold.
For example:
My career -- stagnant
My love life -- girl where?
My finances -- LOLOLOLOL
But that is the entire point of self doubt. I was focusing on the all of the bad things that had happened, things that made me question why I was in New York, why I was even trying, why I didn't just give up and move back to Atlanta with my proverbial tail between my legs. I had forgotten to my mantra of cataloguing all the great things that I've done and have happened to me. I was letting doubt win.
In September, I worked on a freelance gig for BLACK GIRLS ROCK! event as a Social Media Manager/PA. I almost didn't do it because I was in the thick of my self doubt and just wanted to lay on my friend's couch with their dog I was watching at the time. However, I made myself do it thinking it would be a great opportunity to network and more social strategy experience I could add to my resume. It was a long day but also incredibly fun.
However, the gig ended and I was thrown back into the cycle I mentioned before. My brain had no creative outlet outside of the personal projects I planned for myself but it's hard to focus on yourself when you've bills to pay and need food to eat. I fell deeper, deeper and deeper into that cycle to a point where I wasn't sure if I would ever come out of it. I threw myself into redecorating my home (with MAJOR support from my mom) ahead of hosting Thanksgiving. My only priority was making sure my house mirrored the way I wanted to feel. It was when I was wandering the aisles of Michael's looking for supplies for a DIY framing project when the call came.
The gig I took in September with BLACK GIRLS ROCK! needed support for a major event in Boston the weekend after Thanksgiving. My mom was due to arrive the next day and I felt terrible about shuttling her all over the Northeast. I asked for more information trying to determine if it was worth the time and energy to make the 4+ hour trip north to a city I honestly had no desire to visit.
"It's an event with Michelle Obama" I was told and I almost passed out right in the aisles of Michael's. I would obviously find a way to make it work because even being in the same vicinity as Our Forever First Lady would be an invaluable experience. I said yes (because I'm not insane) and made plans with my mom to head to Boston the day after hosting my first Thanksgiving dinner in NYC.
I threw myself into the job, not sure what to expect except for the fact I would be in the same room as her. The morning of the event, I mentally prepared myself for the day. I couldn't cry, I couldn't freak out, I could be nothing be utterly professional. A few hours passed before she was set to arrive and I lulled myself into thinking I'd be able to handle this. Clearly I would because I wasn't about to mess up my reputation because I sobbed over Michelle Obama. Then she walked into the room, Secret Service trailing behind her and I almost lost it then. She proceeded to have an honest and candid conversation with a group of lucky young black women who were members of the BLACK GIRLS LEAD! Mentorship program. I was in the room listening to this intimate conversation and unsure if I was dreaming or not. There's no way I came from crying in my bed a week ago to being in the same room as Michelle Obama as she imparted amazing wisdom. There was no way.
The event was beginning to wrap and everyone was preparing to take photos of her with the girls and the founder of BLACK GIRLS ROCK! Then we were told that staff would have a picture as well. I looked around at everyone's face in shock. Did they also realize what was about to happen? From what I observed with the other photo opp, Michelle Obama doesn't just pose and smize. She hugs you, she looks you in the eye and sees you. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I wasn't sure if I was ready for this amazing woman that I admire so much to look into my eyes and see the self-doubt and internal battle that had been raging for months if not years. I got it together and posed with the rest of team. Then she said "Well who else is getting a hug". And let me tell you, I really did almost lose it. For those that don't me well, I am an extremely emotional person that cries at a cute commercial or a loving old couple on the street. I wear my emotions on my sleeve but in this case professionalism superseded my feels.
I waited patiently for my moment to say hello and hug her mulling over what I would say in my mind. That all disappeared when she turned to me, gave me the biggest most loving hug and looked into my eyes. I had no words except for "Thank You" and "You are So Beautiful"-- not exactly the eloquent speech I had planned but just being near her was enough for me. She said I was beautiful too (EEEK) and thanked me. I quickly walked away because I knew any more time with her and I would cry and completely embarrass myself. My hands were shaking and I willed myself to just wait until I was alone or with my mom to completely let go (which I did once I was safely back in our hotel room). I could tell my some of my other colleagues were having the same internal bargain. "Get through this and then feel everything later." We made it through the rest of the afternoon, continued working, cleaned up the space and made plans to freshen up before going to TD Garden to see her sold out show discussing her new book, BECOMING; an experience I got to share with mom and just watching her listen to Michelle Obama talk candidly about her life made me cry all over again.
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| A Masterclass on how to keep your sh*t together for an iconic photo |
Now I know this may seem a bit extreme and over the top. "She's just a person" some of you might say and I cannot fault you for that. But Michelle Obama means something to black women that simply cannot be expressed in words. It's a feeling. An understanding. A living-breathing guide for the type of woman we want to become.
I read somewhere that Michelle Obama is Beyoncé's Beyoncé. She is the epitome of black womanhood, strength, grace, class and beauty. She means the world to black women especially now that she's no longer FLOTUS and can really bask in her black womanhood.
And she in unapologetic about it.
How can I fully express how much she means to me as someone who lives in a world where we are constantly taught that we are not enough? She challenges that idea with her almost God-like existence but at the end of the day she is an ordinary woman who was set on an extraordinary path. Best of all, she's candid about these things and we can now read her own words in her record-breaking book BECOMING.
Like the true digital-marketer that I am, I have to give props to her team for turning the title of her book into a movement that encourages all people to acknowledge who they are becoming. Just take a quick peek at #IAMBECOMING on Instagram or twitter and you will see thousands of posts from people from all walks of life declaring who they are becoming. It's absolutely genius but also encourages us to take a long hard look within. I have had the same internal reflection and realized the chain reaction that led to that incredible day. If I had turned down that opportunity to wallow, I would not have done the work, made a good impression and been recommended for this gig. One simple decision changed the trajectory of the rest of my year.
This moment reminded me that I am enough, I am talented, I am strong and I will get through this rough patch in my life and the others that are sure to follow. Self-doubt will keep trying to break me down and sometimes it will succeed. But I will NOT allow it to define my path.
I am Becoming A Woman Who Takes Control of Self-Doubt.
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